Arcwave is a “high-tech sex toy brand” that caters to “penis-owners” and they’re launching the VaCum, a two-in-one hand-held vacuum and stroker. And thanks to heavy-handed pun, I have the license to coax every last drop of juvenile humour from this low-hanging-fruit.
You’d be surprised to know (then again, probably not) that the VaCum isn’t the world’s first air-pulsating chicken choker. That pleasure belongs to the Ion , which in 2020, was the world’s first air-pulsating corn shucker.
The VaCum is equipped with the same patented Pleasure Air Technology found in the highly acclaimed Womanizer, made by sister company Wow Tech. Unironically, the VaCum sucks up dirt when in vacuum mode and when you switch it over to stroker mode, it can be used to unironically stimulate the sensitive nerve endings of the frenulum. Go ask your dad what that means.
In essence, the VaCum is a tribute to one of the oldest tropes that you never heard any of your friends mention – celebrating Palm Sunday with a Dyson. Although chances are we’ve never known anyone here to admit it, the vacuum has been, culturally at least, viable as a carrot waxer, and has been referenced in countless puerile movies such as American Pie (and articles like this one).
Whether or not you find it questionable that enough people are getting hurt from a sucky experience to warrant a safer option, the VaCum represents an ‘unportmanteauedly’ blowhard way of jackin’ the beanstalk.
Women have been the sole beneficiaries of WowTech’s Pleasure Air Technology since 2014, and the idea of contactless stimulation was then introduced to a male audience with the Ion, where pulsating waves of air provide its users with a different way to shoot and scoot. And with the VaCum, the Arcwave engineers – not to be confused with the Arc Reactor engineers – possibly rode on a wave (don’t ask what else) of post-nut clarity to repurpose this technology to suck.
The VaCum does have one unique feature – taken from the Womanizer – that many vacuum cleaners do not: Smart Silence sets the VaCum to vacuum only when it is in contact with a surface. Yes, in vacuum mode; not stroker mode.
If the idea of a device that facilitates both cleaning up and making a mess is hard to get your head around, don’t worry. A silicone sleeve is placed in the suction cavity for hygienic and safety reasons. I cannot stress enough that you do that before, and not after hand-to-gland combat.
Who could imagine that once the silicone sleeve is inserted, this hand-held vacuum cleaner will show you how to drain your dragon in a manner that would be very hard to explain to an unexpected visitor in an inopportune moment. The only technically correct answer is: cleaning the pipes.
Priced at HKD 2,136 (approx. $371), the Arcwave VaCum will be available from the Arcwave website and participating retailers, from Monday 18 April 2022.
*Update: I had too much fun and didn’t think for a second it was an April Fool’s joke. After it was pointed out to me I still thought it would be fun to leave it as it was and not mention it until the day itself. May all your pranks be worth the hassle!